


Nothing Breaks Like A Soul

by Polarnacht



Series: Rare Pair [9]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Bad Parenting, Broken Parabatai Bond, Eros AU, Eventual Good Parent Robert Lightwood, Explicit Sexual Content, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Hurt Robert Lightwood, Hurt no Comfort (Michael/Robert), Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort (Jalec), Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Parabatai, Parabatai Bond, Past Character Death, corrupted bond, for Jalec, lovers to strangers, parabatai love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-17 11:27:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29224665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polarnacht/pseuds/Polarnacht
Summary: When Robert is asked to take in the orphaned son of his former Parabatai Michael, he doesn’t hesitate and says yes. He hopes that by doing this, he can right the wrongs he did to Michael. But seeing Alec and Jace grow up together and become Parabatai, Robert is forced to think back to the time he and Michael did the same. And more. When Robert realizes that Alec and Jace are also more to each other than Parabatai, he has to decide if he wants to support his son - or not.Happy Ending for Jalec
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Robert Lightwood, Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland, Robert Lightwood/Michael Wayland
Series: Rare Pair [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1733230
Comments: 12
Kudos: 41
Collections: Rare Pair Gift Exchange





	Nothing Breaks Like A Soul

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Miss_Shiva_Adler](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miss_Shiva_Adler/gifts).



> A huge thank you to Jessa for being my beta 💙

When a Clave official asked Robert to take in the son of his former Parabatai Michael, he didn’t hesitate for a second. He just said yes. _Michael._ He hadn’t heard or said the name in so long. He hadn’t dared to _think_ the name in so long. But now he had to do both. But of course he agreed to take in the son he hadn’t even heard about. Jonathan Christopher. What a strange name for Michael to choose. He would have expected a name connected to the Wayland family tree, as it was tradition. Josiah maybe. What a strange thing to think. He was long past knowing what to expect of Michael. He was long past _knowing_ Michael _._

And now it was too late. His former Parabatai was dead. Gone for good. Though for him, Michael had been gone a long time ago. Though this was not entirely true. Robert had made him go. Pushed him. Forced him away. Broken their bond long before Michael’s death broke it for good. A death he had not even felt. There had not been a pain or a sense of loss. Not the slightest discomfort. But Robert had long accepted that with only half his soul left, he couldn’t really feel. Not to speak of love. 

But there was enough left of him to take the opportunity to make amends. To take in the son when he had thrown out the father. To make up for what he had done. A boy of ten years stepped through a portal, his face closed off, determined not to let his feelings shine through. Determined to hide the pain and loss he had just endured. Robert couldn’t help but think back to his childhood. When he had met Michael. Though the boy, Jonathan Christopher, didn’t remind him at all of Michael. The only faint resemblance he could find was the similar shade of dark blond hair. Even their eyes had a different color. But then, not all families had such a strong resemblance as the Lightwoods. His mind drifted back to the past anyway. 

*

_Robert was eleven when he met Michael. They both grew up in Idris, but as Wayland Manor was located in the countryside, far away from Alicante, and Lightwood Manor was closer to Alicante, they had never met before. Besides, Robert’s parents liked to mingle with the elite of Idris. The Herondales, the Penhallows. Though the Wayland family went way back in Shadowhunter history, directly to Wayland the Smith, they had lost power and influence over the years - and thus were of no interest to the Lightwoods._

_Robert visited the city center with his mother. He would soon turn twelve, an important age for Shadowhunters. The age of their first runing. And as it was custom, Robert was allowed to choose his first weapon. He couldn’t wait to see the Voyance Rune carved into his skin on the back of his hand. He longed to go on missions with his parents. To prove to himself and to them that he rightly carried the proud Lightwood name. He knew that his last name was the most important thing he had._

_A soft smile played around his lips while Robert looked at the wrapped Seraph blade he had chosen. He was just about to exit the weapon store in Alicante, when a boy basically ran into him. They bumped into each other, Robert losing the package that fell with a soft clung to the ground._

_“Be careful.” Robert huffed a little annoyed, already bending down to get his blade back. But Michael was quicker._

_“I’m sorry. I didn’t see you. I’m just so excited. I'll get my first weapon. I’ll be a real Shadowhunter soon. I’m Michael.” The boy’s eyes gleamed in the sun and Robert was too perplexed to huff any longer, he just reached for the package Michael was holding out to him. “My parents say I get lost too often in my own thoughts. But how could I not be excited to be a real Shadowhunter soon?”_

_Robert couldn’t help the smile. “I know! I also just chose my own weapon. I’ll be twelve in a few weeks and then I’ll get my first rune! Here, this is what I chose.” But before he could unwrap the blade, the impatient voice of his mother made him hurry along, leaving Michael behind with an apologetic shrug._

*

“You must be Jonathan. I’m Robert. I was your father’s Parabatai. Welcome to New York.” Robert extended his hand a little awkwardly towards the young boy who watched him with a cautious expression in his eyes. And who could blame him? Probably he hadn’t even known that his father had a Parabatai. At least his own children hadn’t known. The shame of being reminded of what had become of them was too severe to want to talk about it.

“This is my wife _Maryse_. You’ll stay with us now. Do you go by _Jonathan_ or do you have another name?” The boy took his hand tentatively and shook it, not less awkward than Robert felt. But then determination settled in his young face, as if he had just decided that, as apparently this was his new life, he might as well own it. 

“I’m _Jonathan_. And why would I need another name? I didn’t know my father had a Parabatai.” 

“All right, Jonathan it is then. I will show you to your room and then you can meet our children.” Robert led the way to the sleeping quarters, Jonathan on his heels clutching the small suitcase he had come with.

Robert waited silently while the boy unpacked his things and stored his few belongings methodically and neatly into the wardrobe and shelves. It was not much anyway. It seemed Michael hadn’t believed in personal things. At least Robert had expected books, as Michael had always loved to read and get lost in stories and tales. But besides clothes, weapons, and a small wooden toy soldier, Jonathan hadn’t brought anything.

“Come on. My oldest, Alec, is in the training room. I’m sure you’ll get along well.”

When he opened the door to the training room, Alec was busy shooting arrows. He was so startled by their arrival, that he missed the target by far but nearly hit Jonathan. 

“Hey, we’re on the same side,” Jonathan said, holding his hands up, but with the first real smile on his face since he had stepped through the portal. Alec smiled as well and a moment later, they already talked about something else, like only children could. Robert sighed silently when he saw the first tender bond of friendship bloom so instantly between the two. He was relieved, on the one hand. He knew Alec would take care of the boy. He had seen the same protectiveness appear in Alec’s eyes as had appeared when Alec talked about Izzy. And this meant he needn’t worry about Jonathan too much. 

On the other hand, he clearly felt the dull pain. Once in his life he had been able to have such immediate friendship. Never before, never after. Only ever with Michael.

*

_“Hi.”_

_Robert looked up, startled at the voice of the boy who had suddenly appeared at the steps of Lightwood Manor._

_“You wanted to show me your weapon of choice.” Michael just carried on with a smile, ignoring the surprised look and the fact that one week had gone by since their first and only encounter._

_And despite himself, Robert smiled back. “Wait. I’ll fetch it.” He jumped to his feet to get his Seraph blade. And with that, it was sealed. Robert showed Michael his blade, Michael the kindjals he had chosen. Their eyes gleamed while they got lost in their words and stories. One thing led to another and before both knew it, the sky turned grey and Michael needed to go home. But both knew that they would see each other again. They had become friends. Without ever having the need to discuss it._

*

  
  


A few weeks had gone by since Jonathan’s arrival and it seemed the boy had settled in. Robert watched Alec and Jonathan train. Alec was skilled, he was taller and he was older. But Jonathan clearly was advanced. He fought with a serenity Robert had seldomly seen in such a young kid. As if he fought for real and didn’t just train. As if the weapon he wielded was not for training, but to kill. 

And Robert started to wonder. If it was a coincidence or not. Because Jace was just ten and clearly too young to know how to kill. To know how it felt when a blade cut through flesh until it met resistance and with a little turn of the blade, the last breath of life vanished from the opponent. He was too young, but it seemed Jonathan knew anyway. 

He was also clearly too young to have that calculating expression in his eyes, always on guard. Always looking for the best outcome for himself - and for Alec. But Jonathan should be also too young to fear punishment after having made a mistake. And even though Jonathan was always quick to conceal the angst, Robert saw it. It was there. Robert swallowed hard. He knew what it meant. Michael must have punished the boy. Must have taken him on hunts. Must have taught him to kill. His Michael, who had been gentle and warm, like the sun, must have brought up this boy to be a killer. 

Jonathan was also not old enough to already carry runes. And yet, he had already several runes etched into his skin. A fact that should alarm him and Maryse. No one runed their children so early. The risks were too high for the runing to go wrong and kill the kid. But Maryse was too busy admiring Jonathan’s skills and his charms. And Robert was too guilty to take a closer look. Because he knew that his Michael would have never runed a boy that young. His Michael would never have endangered a child. Not after Michael had seen what a rune could do to a child. But his Michael was long gone. So long gone that he didn’t feel him dying. He had changed Michael in a way he had never thought possible. The warm and loving friend had turned into a ruthless, merciless father. And all of that was his own fault.

*

_Robert was excited for this day. His parents were throwing a party in his favour. Shadowhunters didn’t do mundane holidays. They didn’t do birthdays. But they did the runing ceremony and Robert was glowing. The first rune was always special and he couldn’t wait for the proud look in his parents’ eyes when it would be done._

_He took a seat in the special chair in the middle of the room when Brother Enoch entered. If Robert was honest, the Silent Brothers - with their sewed-shut mouths and their stitched eyes - always scared him. But he knew what was expected of him. To be brave. Not to flinch. He was a Lightwood, after all. And he would honor the Lightwood name just as his father had reminded him to an hour ago._

_Robert was prepared. He knew that runes always burnt a little, especially the first one. He was prepared for a little sting. What he wasn’t prepared for was the pain. The excruciating, unbearable pain that jolted through his body the moment the Silent Brother finished his first rune. He wasn’t prepared, and even if he had been, he would have screamed anyway. It was just too much to bear. The pain took possession of his body. His blood turned to fire while it burned him from within. There was not a single part of his body that didn’t hurt. He screamed until he fell to the floor, his small body spasming with pain, foam frothing at his mouth. He screamed until his voice was hoarse and no air was left to scream._

_“We need to cut the rune.” The voice of Brother Enoch echoed through Robert’s head. It would make Robert a mundane. But the pain would stop. All Robert wanted was for the pain to stop._

_“No. He is a Lightwood. He’ll push through.” The cold voice of his father rang loudly in Robert’s ears while he lay on the floor, curled up into a tiny ball. Pain still jolted through him in waves. And he was hot. So hot. And all he wanted was for it to stop. For his parents to take mercy and cut the rune. But they didn’t. When another wave of pain ran through him, his mind showed the mercy his parents didn’t. He blacked out._

_The next time he woke he was in his room. He was still in pain and he was still so hot. His mother was sitting next to his bed, pressing a cold washcloth to his face._

_“The fever is not going down. He has been in this state for weeks now. You have to cut the rune. Otherwise he’ll die.” It was the voice of Brother Enoch again, and if Robert could have spoken in his delirious state, he would have begged his mother to do so. But he couldn’t, so only an incomprehensive moan escaped his dry mouth._

_“No. That will make him a useless mundane. He’ll live as a Shadowhunter, or…”_

_Tears started to fall that went unnoticed by his mother and the Silent Brother. His parents preferred him dead to mundane. Robert moaned again before his mind slipped into unconsciousness._

_He woke up several times in the next few days, always writhing in pain, the fever never going down. It was Michael who sat mostly beside his bed. Reading words to him Robert couldn’t understand. But he understood the gentleness in Michael’s voice. The concern. Michael’s voice and his presence were the things that kept Robert sane, his mind secured in his body despite the pain. Robert couldn’t think what he’d be without Michael._

_When Robert finally woke up, for real without pain or fever, he was alone in his room. He took his time to call his parents. He just stared at the ink black rune on the back of his hand. The rune that nearly ended his life. The rune that showed him what he was worth to his parents. Nothing, if he was not able to carry the mark. To carry the Lightwood name as a Shadowhunter. But it had also shown what he was worth to Michael. Everything, even without it._

_It took Robert two years to draw another rune on his body. Or rather, let it be drawn. By Michael. And only the promise of becoming Parabatai with him made Robert brave enough to try it. When the Deflect rune on his neck flared up, only causing a small sting, and not unbearable pain, Robert nearly cried. He was glad that only Michael was his witness. That Michael had drawn the rune. To protect him. To show him that he was not weak but the Shadowhunter his parents wanted._

_A few months later, Michael and Robert became Parabatai, the ceremony just formalizing what they were. Best friends. Closer than blood. Michael was his sun and his light, and the bond just cemented that. Without Michael, Robert would be nothing, still afraid of his own shadow. But with Michael, Robert felt brave. He knew they would be inseparable from now on._

*

Robert watched Jonathan become _Jace_ and he and Alec inseparable. He saw Jace transform under Alec’s care from the boy who was scared to be punished, but hid that well, to a boy who was self-confident, even cocky. Though the cockiness was just an armor, it was an improvement. Especially because Jace let that armor down sometimes. Just for one person, though. Only ever for Alec.

Robert saw the loneliness in Jace’s eyes transform into a sense of belonging. And Robert knew that this was not due to his or Maryse’s efforts. He knew it was just down to Alec. Alec who seemed to be everywhere Jace was, always looking out for him. Even when sometimes Jace tried to hide. But Alec always managed to drag Jace out of the shadows, making him shine. And soon Jace learned to love the spotlight. The attention. But what Jace clearly craved more than that was Alec. As much as Alec sought out Jace, Jace took care of Alec. Jace was, next to Izzy, the only one who could make Alec smile for real. 

Robert heard Jace’s screams that echoed throughout the quiet nights in the New York Institute. He heard, but he never answered. On the first night, he had been about to go into Jace’s room but then he had heard Jace scream words. _Father, no. Father, please don’t. Father please stop._ And Robert couldn't. He just couldn’t go in and face what he himself had done. What he had done to Michael to turn him into a man who was feared by his own son. Robert just couldn’t face hearing Jace beg for Michael to stop - and it seemed, Michael had never stopped. 

Robert had never been a brave man. So he turned and went back to his own room, secretly relieved when, after a few nights of terror, he heard Alec slip into Jace’s room and not return. The nightmares stopped after that. 

Robert saw both boys fall for each other, drawn together like moth and light. At the beginning he just wasn’t sure who was the light, and who the moth. He saw everything happening before his eyes but he couldn’t bring himself to intervene. Because intervening would have meant that he would have to deal with Jace himself. And he just couldn’t do that. Jace just showed nothing of Michael, his old Michael, and it was just too painful. Even Jace’s hair, the only physical reminder of Michael, had become several shades lighter. 

It was easy to spot that both boys fought better when together, always fierce to protect the other. They moved together, against each other, as if the other was an extension of their own body. Jace’s skills had stayed extraordinary, but with Alec by his side he was also fearless. It was clear that Jace would do anything to protect Alec. And that Alec would do the same. 

Therefore it was not a surprise when it happened, but Robert dreaded it anyway. When both boys stood before him and Maryse, buzzing with excitement - their shoulders nearly touching, so close were they standing together - and announced that they wanted to become Parabatai, he could only nod his agreement. How could he not? How could he tell them _no_ without giving a reason? Especially because Maryse was quick to encourage them. She had always been drawn to power, and though Jace didn’t carry a fancy last name, his skills would clearly pave the way for him. And it wouldn’t hurt to attach the Lightwood name to the best warrior in generations. 

So Robert watched while his son knelt down before Jace in the holy rings of fire to draw the Parabatai rune on Jace’s hip. Robert’s hand shot out to his own hip, where just a faint white scar reminded him of his own vow. _Entreat me not to leave me._ A vow he had broken in so many ways. 

Robert watched while Alec’s eyes lit up with what Robert hoped was just friendship, or maybe brotherhood, when Jace knelt down himself to mark Alec as his. But he wasn’t so sure. He just knew that Michael’s eyes had shone in the same bright light that Alec’s did. That Jace’s did. Michael’s eyes had shone twice in his life like that. Once when they had become Parabatai. The second time when they had become even more.

*

_A year after Robert and Michael had their Parabatai ceremony, his parents decided to send Robert to the Shadowhunter Academy. A common practice, but Robert knew that his parents also wanted him gone. He still felt their disappointment due to his weakness at the runing ceremony and he suspected that they would be glad if they didn't need to see him every day; if he would be gone. And with him the constant reminder of his failure. Robert was an only child, all expectations to carry on the Lightwood name were on him. And so far, he had failed._

_Robert didn’t mind so much, though. Michael was coming with him, and this was all that mattered. Their close friendship had even deepened through their bond. The feeling of Michael’s heart beating in his own chest, of their entwined souls, was nothing his life before had prepared Robert for. It was intimacy he craved, but sometimes also feared. It was easy to get lost in their bond. In Michael himself. Pretend that he himself didn’t exist any longer; only them. But he also knew that he had to stay himself. To be able to protect Michael. Michael had become his sun, his lifeline. The person who brightened his day and dulled the pain. The person who illuminated his further path._

_The time when Robert had been too afraid to rune himself had led to him being behind in his studies and most other Shadowhunters his age were more advanced and skilled than him. He had known that. But seeing it every day hurt nevertheless. Seeing that Michael was accepted easily among the others was hard. Michael was kind and gentle, but not weak. He knew how to stand his ground. He was a skillful fighter, sometimes too lost in his own thoughts, but hard to defeat anyway. And he was about to turn into a beauty. His boyish figure had filled out over the last months and Robert started to notice the looks Michael got from others, mostly older students. Male or female. Robert noticed that he started to look himself._

_When Michael trained with a bare chest, Robert caught himself looking a little too long and a little too closely at the way his muscles moved under his skin. How his biceps flexed when he wielded a sword or his lips turned into a silent ‘o’ when someone landed a hit. Wondering what else could cause Michael’s lips to curl into that same motion._

_And though he himself was still more a boy than Michael, he thought Michael looked as well. Sometimes they caught each other looking and for a split second, their eyes would lock, frozen in a moment of stolen looks and wishful thinking. But then it would break and they would both look away, quickly reassuring each other that they were Parabatai. And that was why they were looking. They weren't looking at each other, they were looking out for each other. What good Parabatai did. Because loving your Parabatai was forbidden. Loving a man was looked down on. His parents would disown him. The Clave de-rune them. So Robert looked away, just like Michael did._

_Weeks turned into months and it was still not easy for Robert to settle in. Being constantly reminded that the others were better didn’t sit well with him and he separated himself - except from Michael of course. And it was easy to separate, as the others didn’t seek his company either. A lot thought him weak. What had happened after his runing ceremony wasn’t a secret, to his dismay. So Robert was more than stoked when one of the most glamorous boys in the Academy approached him. Valentine Morgenstern. He was by far the most dazzling boy in the Academy. He had a Parabatai himself, Lucian Greymark, and a group of friends that always followed him on his heels. Jocelyn Fairchild. Maryse Trueblood. Stephen Herondale. Robert couldn’t believe it when Valentine asked him to join as well. First tentatively, but after a few weeks with more enthusiasm, Robert followed the invitation. And of course he dragged Michael with him. He felt Michael’s reluctance in their bond, but he also knew that for his sake Michael would follow._

_Valentine was intriguing. With his radiant smile, his sharp rhetoric and his superior fighting skills, he had everyone wrapped around his little finger, starting from the teachers, ending with the students. And especially the little group that always surrounded him. His chosen group. The circle of friends, that soon became the Circle. Valentine had ambitious plans. He wanted to change the world, shape it into one where Shadowhunters ruled and the Downworld needed to follow._

_If Robert was honest, he didn’t care so much about Valentine’s vision. He cared about the feeling of belonging. A belonging he had lost when he had realized that he was not worth more than the runes on his skin. Only Michael had always been there for him, but he relished in the feeling of a broader group. So Robert didn’t see, or chose to ignore the dangers Valentine presented._

_Robert had never gotten enough attention. He knew his parents only cared for him when he was a Shadowhunter. Brought glory to the Lightwood name. He was used to that, but it still hurt. It made him feel inferior, so he soaked up Valentine’s attention like a sponge. Not caring that it was a dangerous kind of attention. It was attention, and that was all that mattered. And as Michael was Michael, he followed Robert. How could he not? They were Parabatai._

_While they were dragged into Valentine’s world, their bond deepened. Living together, sharing a room, synchronised them even more than they had been before. Robert knew what Michael was thinking even before he said anything. Michael mirrored Robert’s movements without having to look. But they felt never closer than when they fought together. The Parabatai Bond was a battle bond. Forged in heavenly fire, fueled by their fierceness and their bravery and there was nothing the two of them feared when they were together. No Downworlder, no demon._

_When both turned eighteen, they were allowed to go on their first mission alone No teacher, no other students. Just them. Deep in the forests of Brocelind there had been a feral Werewolf detected. A Werewolf out for blood. Mundane blood. A feral wolf was dangerous. But a wolf, no matter how feral, no matter how dangerous, was not a match for a well-attuned pair of Parabatai. Not when the pair was also out for blood. Which they were._

_Being away from the Academy, from the Circle, from Valentine, made Robert’s blood boil in anticipation. Free. That was what it felt like. He laughed carelessly when he followed Michael deep into the woods, leaving the sunlight behind together with the burdens of their daily lives. But Robert had never needed sunlight when he could have Michael. He bumped his shoulder very deliberately into Michael’s, and Michael shoved back, a low, sexy laugh emanating deep from within. From the spot where their souls were joined. Being alone meant that there was no tension between them, at least not from the outside. The longer they stayed in the Circle the clearer it became that Michael didn’t like what Valentine preached. He just stayed for Robert. And this put a strain on their bond._

_But being physically away from Valentine and his influence, while they dissolved deeper into the enchanted woods of Brocelind, there was no place for this strain or tension. There was only a place for the tension between them. The touch that was too placed to be a coincidence. The look that lingered just that tiny bit too long. The brush of fingers that was just that little bit too caring. Too loving. The smile that was too soft. The laugh that was too carefree. The eyes that shone too bright. The stare that was too heated. Especially the heat that was too warm and too radiant._

_Michael shoved and Robert pushed back and the next thing Robert knew was that he was running after Michael who was shaking with unbidden laughter. They knew they had to kill today, but they both didn’t mind. They were free. They were alone and that was what mattered._

*

“Alec.”

The name made Robert’s head jerk up. But that was not exactly true. It was not the name itself. It was the way it was spoken. Like a promise. Like a prayer. Like a declaration. 

_Rob._ Robert shook his head hard. But the voice in his head stayed. _Rob._ No one had ever called him that. No one but Michael. And even Michael only once. This one time, in Brocelind forest. When all they were supposed to do was kill a feral wolf. But they had done so much more. But they also had killed. Especially he. 

“Jace.” 

It was just a breath in the air but Robert couldn’t endure it any longer. He couldn’t stay and watch the eyes of his son light up when he said Jace’s name. He couldn't bear to see Jace’s eyes soften when he looked up to Alec. Eyes that had nothing in common with Michael’s eyes. Except the soft look. And the heat. The ever blazing, radiant light. 

Robert fled the training room, knowing he should stay. Stay and make sure his son was not making the same mistake. But he just couldn’t. The _Rob_ was ringing too loudly in his mind. Michael’s eyes stared at him with too much intensity. Too much softness. Too much heat.

*

_The feral wolf lay dead at their feet, slit open by both their blades that they had buried in him at the same time. Both were panting, covered in blood and dirt. But their eyes were still laughing._

_“Here, let me.” Michael knew that Robert still didn’t like to apply runes. Besides, runes from Parabatai worked better. And though the cut was only superficial, it needed to be dealt with. He pushed Robert’s gear up to expose his defined abs. Robert was not tall, but he was compact. Muscled. What he lacked in finesse, he made up for in strength. With gentle fingers Michael brushed over his flat abdomen before he pressed the stele down. To draw the healing rune. To put another mark on Robert’s body. His mark._

_Robert looked down on Michael while he drew the familiar rune. When Michael looked up their eyes met. And without having spectators, there was no need to look away. There was no need to pretend that there was something less in their stare than want. And love. And heat._

_“Rob.”_

_At this, Robert's last restraint broke, dissolving into thin air - if he had any in the first place, he was not so sure about that. But if he had it, it was gone with this one syllable. With his name shortened to just one breath of air. No one had ever called him_ Rob _. No one had ever meant his name in the way Michael did. In the darkness of the enchanted Brocelind Forest._

_“Rob.”_

_It was as if the name touched his soul, just in the way Michael’s fingertips had brushed over his naked skin a moment ago. Robert was lost. Lost in this moment, in the heat that radiated from Michael, reflected in their bond that thrummed under his skin, demanding and wanting._

_He didn’t know who moved first. The only thing he knew, the only thing that mattered, was that suddenly his back was pressed against a tree and Michael’s lips were close to his. The rough texture of the bark was strangely comforting, a harsh contrast to the softness of Michael’s body that was pressing against his own. They looked one last time at each other before it felt like nothing else existed besides their lips, tongues and teeth. Tongues slid over mouths, teeth buried themselves in bottom lips before both gasped and licked into each other, claiming what had always been theirs. Their hearts were beating feverishly in their chests, ready to explode. Ready to melt into one, just like their souls._

_Robert had never kissed before. He had never felt the urge to press his lips to another person, but now it felt like the most natural thing to do. He had thought about how it might feel. But he had never imagined it like this. Like the other was the oxygen he desperately needed. The dry land while he was drowning. Michael tasted like blood and earth. It was the most intoxicating thing Robert had ever tasted. There was nothing left in this world that mattered more than Michael’s lips, his taste, his grinding hips that were met by his own. Hands found their way into hair, tugging and pulling until moans spilled out of their mouths, moans that were quickly swallowed by the next kiss. He licked his way into Michael’s mouth shamelessly, letting his tongue slide over his teeth and inner cheeks, taking all he was granted by Michael._

_Robert felt himself soar. Higher and higher until his body was not connected to earth anymore. Michael was all the earth he needed. He floated, only held in place by Michael’s hand and lips. By Michael’s soul._

_Their bodies were covered in a golden glow, emanating from their Parabatai mark. Their rune pulsated under their skins with an unknown force. It didn’t feel threatening. Not like a curse. But also not like a blessing. More like a given. A necessity. Like their rune screamed at them._ Finally. Took you long enough. 

_With every kiss, with every lick, with every hand that roamed over more naked skin, with every fly that was unzipped, with every cock that was stroked their bond flared brighter. Their runes glowed more. Their souls melted more together until it was nearly unbearable. The need to become one. The need to be one. To stay one._

_Robert was rutting into Michael’s hand, breathless and out of his mind. His back scrubbed over the bark of the tree, but he didn’t feel it. He only felt Michael. His hand that wrapped around his cock harder, with just the right pressure. The way he liked it. Pumping him harder, making his back arch and his breathing even more ragged. Making him soar even higher until even the sky didn’t feel like a limit anymore. Robert came with a soft cry, spilling all over them._

_Michael was still rutting against him, his lips had found his own again, kissing him like before. Like Robert was the only thing that mattered. Like Robert was Michael’s world to his sun. Michael’s hips snapped forward, sucking and biting at Robert. The thrumming in their bond became louder, the pain sharper._

_Robert knew that they were a heartbeat away from completely corrupting their bond. And he felt that Michael wanted this, wanted this with all his heart, just as he had wanted the bond in the first place. And corruption was not right. There was no darkness awaiting. But light. Only light and brightness. There was nothing dark about what they did. But sometimes light was even more frightening than darkness. Especially when you were raised in the shadows. Used to the dim lighting there, the bright dazzling sun could be scary. Dangerous. Even if the sun was coming from the eyes of the person you loved the most in the world. Especially then._

_Robert pushed Michael away. “Go away. What have you done? You are a pervert. This is wrong. What have you done?”_

_Robert saw that his words hurt Michael more than a claw of the wolf ever could. More than if he had stabbed him directly in the back._ What have you done? 

_Though it had been_ them _. But he couldn’t. He just couldn’t. He saw the disappointment in his father’s eyes. He saw the thin lips of his mother pressed into a line of disapprovement. He saw Michael, his Michael, who would leave him if he saw how weak he truly was. When their souls would be more entwined than before, Michael would see him like all others did. And he couldn’t, he just couldn’t. It hurt to push Michael away. But to face the light hurt even more. So instead, he pushed further. Said more words that hurt Michael more. That hurt him more. Instead of joining their souls further, he felt his own break under the strain. Under the distance he put between his and Michael’s. And then Robert started to run, without ever looking back._

_It was this night that he hooked up with Maryse. Maryse who had eyed him for so long, something Robert had always pretended not to see. Maryse who he knew wanted him only for his name. Because that was all he was worth. His name. And Maryse saw that. Michael hadn’t. But he would know soon. Probably he knew already._

_Robert and Michael never talked about what happened in Brocelind Forest. What hadn’t happened but nearly had. That their souls had nearly merged and transformed into something else. Into something more beautiful. And thus so frightening. Instead, their souls had crumbled down. Had been cut in half. Had been broken. They never spoke about it, and soon they didn’t speak at all. Michael broke with the Circle. Robert became Maryse’s boyfriend. And soon husband. Then a father. Michael married. Became a father himself. But they never saw each other again._

*

Robert watched Alec and Jace train like he did sometimes, when he didn’t hide behind his tasks for the Clave. They were mesmerizing to watch. Though they were not yet of age, they already fought like fully trained warriors. Alec was taller and used this to his advantage. Jace was quicker and stronger. So normally it ended with Alec pinned to the floor, a grinning Jace above him. 

Robert didn’t need to feel their synced pulses to know that their hearts beat as one. He didn’t need to feel the adrenaline rushing through their bodies, giving them a high only the fight against a Parabatai could. Against a Parabatai that even meant more than that. He knew. He knew from the way Jace’s eyes shone bright and lingered just a little too long on Alec’s face before he started his attack. He knew from the way Alec looked back instead of attacking himself. 

The spark between Jace and Alec got harder to ignore each time Robert really dared to look at them. There weren’t only the looks. There were the touches that faded from innocent to more. The brushing of their pinkies when they walked side by side. The pressing of thighs together when they sat. The runing which both used as an excuse to touch bare skin. To caress bare skin. 

The worst part was, Robert knew how all this felt. Sometimes when he pressed his stele to his skin, he fantasized that it was Michael’s hands that pushed his shirt up, to rub over the unmarked skin before etching a rune into it. Michael had drawn nearly all of his runes. Robert had never become comfortable with runing. But since their parting, he had drawn them all himself. But he still missed the way his body had lit up when Michael had finished a rune. He still missed Michael’s hands on his skin. He still missed Michael. 

Robert watched with a frown when Jace threw Alec over his shoulder and pinned him down with skilfull ease, his typical cocky grin on his face that transformed briefly into something smoother. Something warmer. Robert had to admit that this worried him, together with the rest. But what terrified him was what came next. Alec managed to overpower Jace and in a heartbeat Jace was the one pinned onto the mattress and Alec held him down with an unforgiving grip. A grip that went on a little too long after Jace had tapped out. Just a little too long but Robert had noticed. Of course he had. Because he knew why Alec had managed to overpower Jace. For the same reason he had been able to overpower Michael sometimes, even though Michael had been the better fighter. Because Michael had been too distracted by him. 

Robert was scared that his son was repeating the same mistake as he had made. Falling for the wrong person. Especially because Robert saw Alec soar. He saw Alec soar higher and higher towards the sun like Icarus. And like Icarus he would get burned. Or fall. In either way, he dreaded that Alec would get destroyed in the process. 

He knew that he had not been a perfect father. Or even a good one. Loving had never come easy to him, and when he had pushed Michael away, he had pushed part of his own soul away. Not only Michael’s part. Also a part of his own that had been attached to Michael’s. And loving with a complete soul was hard enough. But with a broken one? 

So Robert knew he hadn’t been what his children deserved. Yet, he wanted to protect Alec now. He saw so much of himself in Alec, he couldn’t let his boy make the same mistake. A mistake Alec would regret as much as he had. Alec was not ready for the light. Just like him, Alec had always been a child in the shadows. And though it was hard to find a similarity between Jace and Michael, Jace was as much the light as Michael had been. And as Michael had burned him, involuntarily, Jace would burn Alec as soon as they would give in to what Robert suspected both wanted. Robert needed to prevent that. He needed to separate them before their souls truly merged. Before they had truly crossed the line. Just as Michael and he had done.

* * *

“We need to separate Alec and Jace.” Robert sat in front of Maryse's desk, rubbing tiredly over his bald head.

“So, you’ve heard it as well? The rumours that Jace is not Michael’s son but Valentine’s? There is no proof either way, but I agree that it's better to send him away. I don’t want him tainting our name when it proves true. If it proves wrong, no harm is done. He can come back.”

Robert just shook his head lightly at the ease with which Maryse was ready to disown Jace. He hadn’t heard the rumours, but he couldn’t quite believe them. But he also wouldn’t argue with her now, of course. It was what he wanted and frankly, he was glad that he didn’t need to give his true reasons. “So we arrange a portal to Idris? He can attend the Academy there. We tell him it’s the best for his education. The boys won’t like it, though.” 

Maryse just shrugged. “They’ll have to deal with that. As long as they are underage they’ll have to do what we say. I suggest we arrange a portal late at night and get Jace by surprise. I don’t need a fuss about that.” 

Robert nodded. It was unfair, but it was for the best. Alec had just turned seventeen. At least one year of separation should be enough to weaken their bond. To make one of the boys fall for another person. Hopefully. 

* * *

“Alec!” Jace’s voice was tinged with panic. 

“What’s going on here?” Alec stormed out of his room, barefoot and with just pyjamas on. Pure terror was blinking in his eyes when he saw Jace with a backpack and two men dragging him away. Alec turned to Robert.

“Dad, what is going on here?” Alec asked again. Not asked. Demanded. He squared his shoulders and glared at Robert in a way he'd never seen him do. “What are they doing with Jace?”

“Jace will continue his education at the Academy in Idris. We managed to get a portal right away so that he won’t miss more of the term than he already has. This will help him get better and advance further. And before you ask, Alec, no. You won’t join. You are needed here with your family. And also no, I don’t care that you two are Parabatai. You can be Parabatai from afar. It’s the best solution for everyone.” Maryse's cold voice demanded obedience like always. 

“No.” Both Jace and Alec said it in unison, their eyes locking. 

“Yes. And believe me, you have no other choice. You are both underage and we can decide what is best for you. And we have decided and you will follow. The both of you.” Even though Robert had not thought it possible, Maryse’s voice had become a shade colder. The threat was clearly audible. 

“Alec!” 

Robert saw the grip of the older man to Jace’s bicep tightening and the Strength rune on the Shadowhunter light up when he dragged Jace away towards the readily open portal.

“Jace!” 

Robert closed his eyes at the agony in his son’s voice. But it was for the better. It was for Alec’s own good. 

The whole time, while Jace was dragged away and Alec was held back, their eyes stayed locked onto each other. Not once did they look away. 

* * *

Weeks had gone by where Jace had tried to break out of the Academy several times and Alec had tried to run away. But all attempts had been in vain. The Academy was heavily guarded with magical wards and not ever had one student been able to leave without permission. And even Jace, with his more than average strength, couldn’t. 

Maryse had been very clear after Alec’s first attempt that she would get him chipped if he ever tried something like that again. Robert had seen Alec sink. Both of them knew that Maryse was serious.

From the way Alec’s shoulders hunched, Robert could tell that Alec had given in. At least for now. He saw that there was a fight left though. A strength that would never leave Alec, at least not as long as there was something to fight for. Someone. Jace. A strength Robert himself had never possessed. Alec would never give up fighting for Jace. One look into Alec’s face told him that. But he also saw an emptiness in Alec’s eyes he had never seen there before. An emptiness he recognized. Mostly from looking in the mirror. 

* * *

“The boy needs to come back.” This time Robert didn’t take a seat, but remained standing in front of Maryse’s desk.

“What are you talking about?” Maryse looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

“Jace. He needs to come back from the Academy. And this is not a request. This will happen.” Robert was calm now. He had made a mistake. He had misjudged Alec. He had read too much of himself in his eldest. And though it was true that Alec was more used to being in the shadows, Alec was also used to shining. Unlike him, Alec was not afraid of the light or the heat Jace offered. Alec had enough fire in his own veins to counter Jace’s. Alec had enough ice to rein in Jace’s heat. Alec was way stronger than he would ever be. 

“How dare-” Maryse fret and fumed, but Robert didn’t even let her finish.

“We both know that normally I let you do whatever you want to do. And we also both know that what you want the most, always wanted the most, is my precious last name. So in case you don’t want to lose the right to carry it, you will order Jace back here. Immediately.”

With that Robert stood up and left the room, leaving a speechless Maryse behind.

Robert sighed. The next talk he had to do would be even more difficult. He took a steadying breath before he knocked on Alec’s door. 

“Come in.” Alec’s calm voice sounded through the door. 

Robert pressed down the handle and stepped in. Alec sat on his bed with crossed legs, looking questioningly at his father. Robert had no idea when he had been in Alec's room the last time. 

“Alec, we need to talk.”

“About what?” Alec frowned at him, a guarded expression had settled on his face. Robert knew he deserved that look.

“About Jace. About you and Jace.” 

The frown deepened and when Alec just looked back at him, not saying anything, Robert carried on.

“Look, Alec, I was once a Parabatai as well, I-”

“You. You have no idea, Dad. If you had, you would never have separated Jace and me. I need him. I’m nothing without him. And everything with him. But how could you know? You didn’t even feel your own Parabatai die!” Alec spat at him.

Robert flinched at Alec’s words, but he knew he deserved them. He hadn’t felt Michael die. “I, for one, know that your feelings have long crossed the line from being strictly parabataily.” 

Now it was Alec’s time to flinch. And blush. “We never-... I mean, no.” Alec stammered trying to hide the panic at his father’s words.

“It’s okay, Alec. I know. I see it. I’ve seen it for a while but I chose to ignore it. This is why I thought it is the right thing to send Jace away. To prevent you from making the same mistake as I did.” Robert looked calmly at Alec. Suddenly it was easy to speak. He had failed at being the Parabatai Michael had deserved. The lover he had desired. He had failed at being the father his children had needed. The first he couldn’t change. The latter he could.

He held up a hand to interrupt Alec. “I know nothing has happened yet. But I also see that it will. And I know now that it was wrong to keep you two away. You need each other. But you also need to know Alec, what happens when you not only walk the line like you two do now, but step over it. And I know what happens because I did it. With Michael.” 

Alec sucked in a breath, his eyes huge with wonder and disbelief. “You and Michael?” 

“I and Michael. And the first thing you need to know Alec, is that there is no curse. At least not the curse the Clave warns us about. But the bond will change nevertheless. Your souls are entwined now. But when you cross the line, your souls will melt. There will never be a way back from that. And believe me, I tried. I was too frightened from what was happening to me, to us, that I pushed Michael away. But with Michael, I also pushed part of my soul away. And I can never undo this. Either way, it will be forever, Alec.”

Alec looked at him, nodding slowly. “You know Dad, with Jace and me there was never a way back. Just forward. Together. But what exactly happens?”

Robert drew in another breath before he started to talk. About the blazing light and the sun that had wanted to consume him and that had frightened him. That he had been too weak to bear the light but that he knew that Alec was stronger.

Alec just sat on the bed, nodding quietly. It was a lot to take in. 

“So, Alec, are you still sure?” Robert looked closely at Alec, but all he could see was certainty.

“Yes. Jace and me - it’s what I want.” Alec’s reply came without hesitation. 

“Good. Then follow me.” Robert stood up and left Alec's room, Alec on his heels. He led him to Maryse's empty office, where a blue portal was already shimmering. Just when they entered, Jace stepped through it.

“Alec.”

“Jace.”

They didn’t shout or scream. They just breathed the name of the other as if they were the oxygen they had missed. 

Robert smiled when he saw all emptiness vanish from Alec’s gaze when the eyes of the two boys locked. Without making a sound, Robert left the room and closed the door behind him with a soft thud. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for leaving kudos or a comment, it is greatly appreciated.


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